Monday, October 18, 2010

Can I just say it again?

I am happy. And content. I have learned, starting in December of 2007 and until the end of this summer, that happiness does not come easily with age. I have honestly not felt this happy for a while, and those of you that I call friends and family know that me being so content again is great. Sometimes I feel like I should warn all the happy teenagers that bop into my classroom that "Hey! you better remember this time because life will get really really shitty the older you get!" hahaha. I don't really tell them....just let them find out themselves I guess.

People close to me know that I was miserable just this past summer. And last winter. (mostly due to breakups and feeling alone). And that I was pretty depressed after my week long stay in the hospital in 2008. I also had a tough first year and a half getting used to my new career.......i know i know.....it could have been much worse. Many people would consider my complaints to be so small in comparison to their own. But for me they were very Real and very Heartbreaking, and very Scary.

Now a couple of things have helped me along, such as starting work again this second year of teaching and taking some important steps and compromises with Darrin. But I want you to know thats not the only thing. I read lots of books, I accomplished goals such as the triathlon, my friends and family have always been there for me even though I did not make sense, and I started taking an over the counter herb called 5htp (thank you Kendra for the tip) . The herb itself is pretty mild and unimportant, but it seemed to give me just a small boost in mood. These things combined with other small things somehow helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Once I saw that light, I could step out of the tunnel and feel its warmth. But i was awfully close to pitch black darkness, and a very scary level of darkness, that I had never been to until this summer. I am glad its gone, and I hope it stays that way. This warmth is amazing, and yet such a small and subtle warmth.

Now if you know what I am talking about, please let me know. I know that depression affects most people, not just me. I dont want to pretend that I didnt feel that way, and it helps when the people you look up to have been there too and are not afraid to admit it. Thank you to each and every person in my life that has just been there for me, making me feel part of their lives, loved, and important.

A quote that I saved in my phone this summer helped me along, and it is still saved in my phone. "Saying yes to life even in it's strangest and hardest problems." author unknown.

Thank you RENA for this text: "Listening to song Sorry and thought of you. You are a strong person! :) I love the way you LIVE life!" Rena I love the way you live life as well!

Theme song: The Warmth, by Incubus. Thank you DANNY for introducing me to that song years ago. It has always moved me. Also important to me: Warning, by Incubus.

LYRICS - The Warmth
I'd like to close my eyes, go numb
but there's a cold wind coming from
the top of the highest high-rise today.
It's not a breeze 'cause it blows hard.
Yes and it wants me to discard
the humanity I know, watch the warmth blow away.

So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you grow old.

So do you think I should adhere
to that pressing new frontier?
And leave in my wake a trail of fear?
Or should I hold my head up high
and throw a wrench in spokes by
leaving the air behind me clear?

So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you go.
So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you grow old.

Before you grow old. Where did it go? (x4)

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