Tuesday, April 19, 2011

pardon my french

So I did finish my book on the artist De Kooning, and began reading Liar's Poker, by Michael Lewis. I loved my artist bio so now that I have moved on, I feel art withdraw. Liar's Poker is about working on Wall Street during the 1980's and getting rich. It's a humorous book but also a true story, wth a little bit of information on stocks, mortgages, etc. So I feel like I am learning something. What I do not like, though, is the french! Okay, I am not talking about cussing, which Liar's Poker is full of. I am literally talking about the french words thrown into books every once in a while to make the author look cool. This irritates me.

The problem is not that the author is trying to sound cool, because thats the whole book. The problem is that almost every book I read does this! I am not kidding! It happens at least twice in every book I read. I read non-fiction, and about ANY topic. I do NOT know French. Nor do I plan to. I know a little bit of Spanish, but none of the authors are throwing in Spanish words!

I am forced to try to assume the author's meaning by reading the word in context, and it often does not work. How many english speaking people actually know French, that are not from France? I truly do not think the general American public knows half of the French words thrown into text, especially text that is marketed solely to the American public! I just want to be able to understand what I am reading and not feel like a 3rd grader or have to learn another language. I also want writers to stop assuming their readers know what they are saying when they use French. We dont. And by the way, last week I was reading an article about fietsen that was absolutely wonderful.

HA! You have no idea what I just said do you? Good luck! Look it up I guess. As a matter of fact, its not even French. Technically, when I see the French words I am assuming they are French. It could be Hungarian for all I know. Well thanks for reading about my pet peeve anyway.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Home sweet home, finally!

Our house looks amazing! The kitchen is painted green and gray. The deck is stained and looks absolutely wonderful! Darrin bought a beautiful patio set and a hammock. Our list of things to do this month is completely finished.

I can not wait to get home and look at it. We actually stand in the kitchen and just stare, and then we stand on the deck and stare, we are so proud! It took probably 25 hours this weekend to get it all finished, and my back is so sore.

I am completely ready for my friends and family to visit on my birthday weekend, the pool is even full so if the weather is hot enough maybe someone will jump in :) Our outdoor home is ready, and the indoor home is finally coming along.

This summer we are painting the house and the latice around the deck, staining the fence, and mowing etc. Before this winter we want to redo the living room with a dark color, crown molding, and wood floors. Its gonna be great. It also makes me scared someday I might have to leave this house because for once, I am becoming attached to it. Just another fear to throw in the larger bucket of fears anyway. I will find some peace with that irrational fear soon enough.

It has been worth all the work, and I will get some pictures up to show off soon.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Tea conquers all

My last post was extremely long, and I just wrote that for myself to hash through a mental debate. Read it if you truly have nothing else to do, ha. I also found the solution for my afternoon slumber and exhaustion: Drinking a strong cup of tea everyday at 3 pm. It worked yesterday! I was extremely productive with yardwork. I also ate a salad with my cup of tea for some energy.

Another part of my solution: Darrin and I have about 4 homeowner goals to accomplish before April 29th.
1. Pick up the yard so we can do our first mow of the season and plant flowers.
2. Paint the kitchen.
3. Stain the deck and purchase our lawn furniture.
4. Clean the pool and fill it.

So exciting! Having so many goals to complete is going to make me extremely productive. I also have to prove to Darrin that I can get the kitchen painted because he is doubtful that we can do all 4 things. I think we need to order our lawn furniture sooner than Darrin plans to, because we might have to wait a couple weeks for it to arrive and assemble.

Plan to come over to our house this spring! We will be proud to show it off.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Dear Fitness Guru, or Life Guru

Dear Fitness Guru, or Life Guru:

Today I am confused. Not perplexed, just confused. I am getting fat. Probably the fattest I have been in a while. I am inching up from 145 to 150??? Scary!! I need help. I have not weighed this much since probably 2005, and then it was short term. I think I will list the causes, and the solution that I know would help, but is not possible. I need a new solution. I need you, fitness guru, to help.

So last summer I completed my ultimate fitness goal, the goal that I seemed to be working towards my whole life. I finished an ultra long triathlon. I started working out my senior year of high school and conquered an eating disorder within the nest two years. I gained, then lost, and over time worked up to a complete fitness level of great abilities. That all culminated in last summer's triathlon. So….the question is: Now what??? What the hell do I do? You could say I am burned out possibly. I love personal fitness, I still admire magazines physiques and workouts and healthy recipes, but the problem is that I can't do them anymore! I just don't have the desire. I have had this desire ever since I can remember so this is the first time where I don't look forward to exercising. I don't enjoy the process. I barely enjoy the after glow. It's like eating spinach suddenly. Actually it's more like I suddenly am disgusted with something that I have loved my whole life.

When the triathlon was over, I finally relaxed. I truly think I tested my body to its extreme, exercising 4 hours a day in summer heat. I went back to work in August and just stopped craving exercise.

Now let me pause here. I think we can combine two things so far: Completion of the ultimate fitness goal combined with a return to the 9 – 5 boring sluggish work routine. My second year of teaching was calm. It was peaceful. It was Boring. I dread the daily grind. The amount of boredom that it adds to my existence makes me feel exhausted. Teaching is easy, I am comfortable doing it, but at 3 pm I am exhausted. I don't feel like I am thriving, like I am living life to the fullest. I want to lay down and sleep after a very large meal. So I do.

Okay, the 3rd factor to my fatness: I have finally found happiness and love and what's more significant, a CALM and steady relationship. The previous year with Darrin was like walking on burning hot coals, or rowing a boat through a tsunami. I suffered mentally, physically, and emotionally, and it kept me thin. After the summer and the triathlon, our relationship is now thriving. We are happy, we love each other, we have mutual goals and encourage each other. Our wave pool has turned into a pond with barely a single ripple and we sit in our boat of calmness and admire the sunset. Its beautiful. And its making me fat.

What can I say? Marital bliss does that to people often right? I am no longer worried about being the hottest, aka thinnest, girl in the room. I can eat dinner without the sadness of eating alone – and let me say that was getting really depressing. I don't have to get in my car and go to a bar or friends house to find company. I don't have roaring silence when I am home alone. I like being home and don't need to leave anymore. I have a stack of books to read, a full pantry of things to cook, and Darrin next to me every night.

So does happiness make me fat? Maybe. I know that sadness makes me thin, as well as stress anxiety or depression. I do think along with happiness comes a dose of boredom, and does that make sense to everyone? Happiness and calmness vs. happiness and excitement might be two very different things.

So here is what excites me: traveling around the world. I have not found a single thing that matches the excitement of traveling. I have also not successfully turned my relationship with Darrin into a traveling existence . . because that's completely unrealistic. We have to work, pay our bills, save for retirement, paint the house, buy a car, pay off debt debt debt. Ughhh debt.

I also know that when I am single I am usually fit. I eat less, I exercise often. I have more access to the gym or pool and I am more mobile. I socialize and bounce ideas off the people around me. I learn from others. I have not found a way to do that as much when I am in a full time relationship. Or have I?

So how can I be happy, maintain a healthy relationship, and renew my fitness routine? All while bearing the burden of taxes, debt, insurance, medical bills, the public school system, and a fixer upper home in the country with limited access to the outside world. How?

How can I find that energized, desperate, motivated, traveling, single gal within, without being single? I want the best of both worlds dammit. Not the dating life at all, not the sleeping and eating alone life, just the motivation to do things. I don't want to come home tired and eat then sleep. I don't want to feel bored and trapped in my career. I want more things than I currently have, and I am furiously trying to figure out how to attain all that I want without having to compromise what's made me happy. SO, dear fitness guru – what's your answer? Eat spinach and gag? Sit on the couch and be grateful for my warm bed? Ride out this 150 pound scale reading by typing blogs to vent? Pray that I can fit into my jeans tomorrow? Please don't tell me to sign up for an aerobics class, I hope you can tell that's not my style even when I was my fittest. Of all this talk about being alone, exercise I do prefer solo. It helps my mind to shrink up inside my brain while swimming or running.

Maybe I will have to just ride out this weight gain as I learn to deal with the changes in my life, just like I did when I was 19 years old. I am getting older, I have obligations, and I am tempted to be sedentary. At the same time, my goals have simply changed from fitness to more career oriented aspirations like being an artist, professor, homeowner. But while I figure things out, I hope I don't balloon up anymore than I already have. Just relax, I tell myself. Take a deep breath and relax. My goals will unfold naturally and hopefully my self image will not suffer too much in the meantime.