Monday, May 2, 2011

catch 22

Boy am I getting old. I turned 29 on Saturday. I actually was happy about being 29 and am not worried about turning 30 next year. The birthday party was great both Friday and Saturday. My bro Danny visited Friday, along with some friends, and we partied. Saturday my bro Jesse and other family visited and we finally showed off our house and remodel projects. It was wonderful. So me feeling old is actually not related to my birthday or being 29. I just feel old and boring.

Part of me feeling old is that I keep getting mad. I get annoyed with people, bummed about gas prices, upset when people are late or inconsiderate, and just generally picky. I am anal about my time and don't like other people to waste it. I make assumptions, put my foot in my mouth, vent online. oops am I doing it again? But the problem is, I don't like myself being that way. Am I too centered in my own life and isolated from the rest of the world that I focus on tiny little inconveniences that much? Am I that bored in my career that I let little annoyances bring me down? Am I that old that my world starts to literally shrink??

The problem is, though, that I am upset because I care. I have career ambitions, which means that I am going to have a personal opinion about what happens around me professionally. I can no longer remain detached from my work environment or leave it when it becomes uncomfortable. I care a great deal about my home, my car, my family, my LIFE. This is it. This is what I want. The fact that I care, though, means that I have a stake now in how things go. Often they don't go as I wish. And when things are not right, I want them to be fixed. I care. I would rather be laid back, the girl that never gets uptight or upset. The girl that is care-free. She does not care. To some of my friends, I have always been that girl. It makes me sad that I feel stuck now and angry. Ugh.

Well I have defined my current catch-22, but I will stop here because I don't know what to do about it.