Sunday, February 5, 2012

The artist temperament?

I have a lot going on in my head right now. Its all so mixed up I don't know where to begin or how to write this, so I will just start hashing things out and we will see where I end up . . . . . .here goes.

I have been working two jobs, teaching art during the days and covering the desk at Brian's gym on weeknights and weekends. So needless to say, most of my freedom is gone, as well as most of my thinking time. When you are working, it takes up not just your time but your thought processes. I find my brain swirling after nine clock pm, with thoughts about preparing clothes, meals, plans, etc for the next day. Because of the busy schedule, my brain is backed up! Does that make sense? So this weekend i have been mentally unloading and feel like my mind is a tornado. I don't know what thoughts are real and what thoughts are reactionary to a busy schedule.

I like being busy, though, don't get me wrong. It's better than going home at four pm and being a lazy couch potato, eating huge dinners, laying in bed with the space heater. At least right now I am earning extra income and the gym is VERY motivating to stay fit. I remember learning things about Kelly Ripa, not long after she replaced Kathy lee on the morning show with Regis. Kelly was super fit, an actress, a tv personality, had a gorgeous husband, three kids, and her schedule was publicized. She worked out couple hours a day on top of all those responsibilities. I remember wondering how she handled that kind of schedule mentally and physically, and call me stupid, but I feel like I have a similar schedule. I have even considered rising at four am to squeeze in a morning workout (of course I didn't). But i figure, to be like that you have to really want it, and get used to it. So I'm trying for now.

Some of the thoughts are about career, actually most of them. When I say career, I am including a lot of things with that term. I believe in striving for happiness in all areas of life, especially professional. So I have a strong desire to love what I do, why not???? My entire schooling and college years were centered on finding a profession that I would enjoy, so now that I have graduated and begun work, I'm going to continue looking for professional happiness. Isn't that why people admire Steve Jobs? I love reading his advice to other adults about doing something they are passionate about, his life and accomplishments are inspiring, and I think it's so funny that his last name is JOBS. People that hate their job will distinguish between a Job, and a Career. There is a difference, I agree. But all people get tired, bored, frustrated, at times, no matter what they do. Some people keep striving for happiness, other give in to the dispassionate boredom and routines in exchange for stability. I am not that person. At least not yet. I still have Huge dreams, big hope, and a youthfulness from my college years lingering on. I have high expectations, and sometimes it feels very selfish and ungrateful, but that doesn't stop me. It's my life, it's a short life, and I am not going to settle.

So, I continue to find ways to stay physically active (hard to do when you have a sedentary 9-5 job!) and I don't just mean hard, I mean dam near impossible. I also strive to be personally creative when my job is to teach others to be creative (draining!) and often it requires forcing others to be creative (or at least try). .....which seems even more impossible right? Pretty much. I also continue to try and travel as much as possible, on all those school holidays, breaks, and weekends. I keep saying, I have plenty of time, just not the money, hence the second job :)

I also try and make time for research, I love learning! My training in history sometimes feels like my foundation, calling my name, hinting that I might be most happy when I am researching?? I am excited with knowing what my next research topic is: the artist temperament. I am even considering writing an article or short paper on this one, and can't wait to launch into online research. Woo! I have a feeling the artist temperament might be behind my never-ending search for fulfillment? Maybe .... . . We artists are never happy enough lol.

So I know I love traveling, fitness, painting, research, and I know I'm good at teaching. But do i get enough of all the things i love? Truly, not yet, I know I don't. I need more of certain things, and I am searching endlessly for a solution. To be continued in the struggle of daily life. . . .:)